So far I don't have too many symptoms - much to my dismay. I mean, I should be hugging the toilet seat in throws of nonstop vomit by now, right? Not so. Every person is different and every pregnancy is different. Just because I had a ton of symptoms last time, doesn't mean the absence of them this time is necessarily a bad thing.
Here's what I am feeling - sort of:
- Tired, but I can't sleep. Most frustrating.
- Mild cramping - annoying, confusing, frightening because of last time.
- Dull headaches from time to time.
Symptoms that don't even really feel like symptoms. Mostly, I just feel like i have a dull hangover, which totally sucks, given that I do not get to enjoy my cocktails for a while and shirley temple is no match for a stoli martini with blue cheese olives.
So far, only two people know my news. One of them is my husband. The other - a girlfriend who has seen her share of pregnancy troubles and now has a gorgeous, healthy baby boy to show for it - reassured me that it's okay not to have symptoms just yet.
I should count my blessings.
I'm dying to tell my closest friends but so far, I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm fearful of deja-vu. I'm superstitious and don't want to do anything that will make the universe repeat itself. And I don't want to have to explain, again, if things don't end well.
Plus, I have friends in different stages right now and I worry about how they will react to the news. I know they love me and wish me no ill will. But I have one friend who has been actively trying for some time now, and I feel guilty telling her now, knowing that she just finished sharing her angst with me. I've been on the other side of this equation before and it never feels good, no matter how much you care about the person sharing their good news; no matter how much you want to be happy for them.
I have another friend who doesn't want kids anytime soon, and I'm worried she will think of me differently - like I'm no longer in the club of cool-30-something-non-moms. I liked that club very much and had planned to stay in it for a good while. I realize what I'm doing now is a means to an end - a step towards the family I do want to have. But I'm terrified this will change things between us. I'm terrified it will push me into a different friend column and that would break my heart.
Another one of my good friends just has too much going on right now in her own world, so I know I wouldn't get the response from her that I'm craving and that would make me reflexively resent her. I don't want to set us up for that.
So I will wait. The good news is, it's Lent, so I can tell everyone I gave up booze and no one will think any differently.
But man, I wish I could tell them. I think I'm going to wait a couple of more weeks. I'm thinking about doing an ultrasound around Week 8 so then I can just send them the picture and feel much better about things if I've made it that far successfully.
In the meantime, I have my husband and my one dear friend who is my mommy-rock, guiding me through the anxiety, commiserating, sharing experiences, and offering hope. I feel so blessed for that and I am glad I told her when I did.
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