Waiting, and the excruciating anxiety that comes along with it, is something no one seems to talk about unless prompted. No book prepares you for when time slows down after a doctor's visit while you're waiting for HcG results, or the helplessness you feel when you start to get cramps around Week 4 and realize that knowing, or not knowing, won't make one bit of a difference in that moment because whatever is going to happen will happen with or without your input.
When I first found out I was pregnant, in December, I managed to somehow find out nearly two weeks before a missed period - hell, it could have been the day of implantation. Leave it to me. The fact that I had discovered my condition so early left doctors baffled, and in the absence of scientific information, they jumped to every possible red-flag situation imaginable, from Molar Pregnancies to Ectopic Pregnancies, to existing miscarriages of a pregnancy I didn't know I had. And there was NOTHING we could do about it. They tested my HcG and remarkably, it doubled as requested. At 4 weeks, the doctor recommended an ultrasound, still concerned and confused. I asked him what an ultrasound would show at that point, having done my research and realizing the answer should be, NOTHING, and attempting to avoid being violated until it could reap actual results.
His response was, "Well, nothing, but if we do a pelvic exam we can see if your cervix is open or closed. If it's open, it means you will miscarry at some point in the near future."
"And if it's open and you determine a miscarriage is imminent, is there anything to be done?" I asked.
"No. There's nothing you can do if you are going to have a miscarriage this early on." I knew, but he explained again, that miscarriages this early are usually a result of chromosomal abnormalities. They are very common and completely uncontrollable.
"Then we'll just wait, unless you see an urgent medical need for the ultrasound." He conceded that he did not so we waited. I miscarried a week later, but at least I had spared myself one round of embarrassment and discomfort. More on this topic later.
All I could do in between was wait. Day after day. I took my prenatal vitamins diligently thinking this was something I could somehow control and something that might somehow help (irrelevant in that circumstance).
The waiting didn't end when the miscarriage began, however. Even though it marked the beginning of the end, after that, I still had to go back for more HcG monitoring and wait and wait for the green light that all was clear.
No one prepares you for the waiting and sometimes I feel like the waiting is one of the worst parts, because never do you feel so helpless than when you are simply waiting.
So, I've learned to distract myself. Rather than focusing on the hours passing so slowly between "5 weeks and 7 days" to "6 Weeks" I keep busy. I take things one day at a time. I focus on everything besides being pregnant. I check in on friends and see what's new in their worlds. I learn to cook new things. I workout and eat properly and take my prenatal vitamins religiously. I read, a lot. I watch my favorite shows. I plan our next trips. I stay as busy as I possibly can and then, before I know it, the sun has set on another day of uncertainty and I can put that one behind me and check it off the calendar.
My husband always cautions me not to "wish time away" but it's incredibly hard advice to follow when you feel like you're racing toward the Week 12 "safety zone" (chance of miscarriage drops DRASTICALLY at this point) and you're running in mollasses. Waiting through milestones over the past two weeks has felt like an eternity and I suspect this symptom - the Waiting - won't fade when morning sickness does in the second trimester. I suspect there is always something to be waiting for during pregnancy; always something to worry about; always something out of your control. It's impossible to speed time up, but it is possible to use it up in ways that will make the waiting, at least, a little more manageable.
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